Sunrise

I woke up at 5am this morning.

Technically I think that is actually before sunrise.

My mind was racing about applications and research ideas and math reviews.

You see, about a week and a half ago I made a decision: I am going to apply for PhD programs for next year.

To many that is far from a surprise.  Getting my PhD is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time, years in fact.  But it’s taken me until now to officially commit to the application process (which very sadly means a trip to Dar to re-take the GRE).  

What finally made me decide to do it?  I think deep down in my heart I’ve known that this is something I’ve wanted to do and would eventually do, for a long time.  But sometimes I like to play this game with myself, where I allow my head to mull over something for awhile before it is ready to accept what my heart knew all along.  Basically, I’m a stew-er, and I had to let this percolate in my brain for a bit before I was ready to fully and with a 100% commitment go for it.  I just can’t seem to do things half way.

And so, at 5am I woke up with a revolving list of programs and schools running through my mind and a nagging fear that perhaps I really wasn’t smart enough for this after all.  Did I really have innovative research ideas?  Did I really have research ideas at all?  Would I be able to make a contribution to the topics I’m most passionate about?  Was this all just one crazy idea?   

I think part of what I’m struggling with is the courage to believe in myself that I can do this.  Because I do have ideas, lots of ideas, and things I’m interested in, and anybody whose talked to me in the last few years knows I’m an absolute research geek about global health and maternal health issues…I love this stuff.  I actually like statistics; that’s how big a dork I am.  But I think my stumbling block right now is being brave enough to commit those ideas to paper, to put myself and my skills and ideas out there for the review committees to see and say: ‘Here I am!  Evaluate me!  Tell me if you think I’m good enough for this or not.’     

Obviously it’s a scary thing to be evaluated by anyone in any situation in life.  But what makes me so hesitant to articulate my interests and ideas? 

I am terrified I’ll make a mistake.

As a lifelong perfectionist, mistakes are not something I do well.  It’s probably visibly painful (for myself and any bystander) to see me struggle with something I don’t feel competent at.  I squirm and writhe and basically do whatever I can to ever avoid ever being in that situation.  Well, at least that’s what I’d like to do. 

However, in the last few years I have thought a lot about the notion of perfection; all that it ntails and all that it requires (remember: stew-er).  And while that’s a personal journey best saved for another time, I’ve concluded two things:

1. Perfection is an illusion, and a dangerous one at that
2. Mistakes make life infinitely more messy, but also more funny

I think what it really comes down to is that the world does not expect perfection of me; I expect perfection of me.  And so I have to decide if I can make peace with myself, to accept my own limitations and flaws, but also strengths and gifts, for what they are and go out into the big, beautiful world to actually live in it, or if I will continue to hold myself to some unattainable standard and live instead for the chance to berate myself whenever I fall short of that standard. 

It’s probably something I’ll struggle with the rest of my life, but at least for this morning I'd like to choose option 1. 

I think I can do this.  I think I should at least try.  I think I need some coffee.